TEDxSalford

30 Is No Longer The New 20

An inspirational talk ’Why 30 is not the new 20’ by Meg Jay (TED; February 2013) starts with Jay, who is a clinical psychologist by profession, talking about her first psychotherapy client. ‘Alex’ came with ‘boy’ problems, which was a relief for Jay as another colleagues’ first client was an arsonist! They mused over funny stories and Alex would say that ’thirty’s the new 20’. They both had plenty of time, as far as they were concerned. Everything, including serious careers, partners and children would come after 30.

Part of the reason why I watched this talk in the first place is precisely because I myself sometimes suffer from the same wishful thinking that everything will sort itself out somehow if I give it enough time! Jay’s supervisor wasn’t keen on her laid back approach to her client’s problem. The issue he had was that even though her boyfriend in Alex’s words, was a ‘knucklehead’ and she wasn’t intending on marrying him, she would eventually marry someone, maybe even the next guy she happened to meet. This was when Jay had her ‘Aha!’ moment and realised that this attitude amongst twentysomethings needed to change as it is a period which shouldn’t be neglected, a period she describes as a ‘developmental sweet spot’.

The post millennial midlife crisis isn’t buying a red sports car. It’s realising you can’t have that career you now want. It’s realising you can’t have that child you now want, or you can’t give your child a sibling. Too many thirtysomethings and fortysomethings look at themselves and at me, sitting across the room and say about their 20s, ‘What was I doing? What was I thinking?’-Meg Jay

What is her evidence to be solely concentrating on the 20s as a ‘defining decade’? According to research, 80 percent of life’s most defining moments take place by age 35. Apparently the first 10 years of a career have an exponential impact on how much money an individual is going to earn. Not only that, but half of Americans are living with or married to their future partner by the age of 30. Finally, brain growth, personality and fertility are also dynamic entities that begin to wind down towards the age of 30. All in all, Jay makes a good case for why the twenties are an important decade. She also criticises the media for trivialising the twenties period, which is sometimes termed as an ‘extended adolescence’.

The notion that we have ten extra years of life before we make serious decisions actually ‘rob us of urgency and ambition’ and hence little is done for the future, so much so that as people near thirty, there appears to be a rush to settle down just because everyone else seems to be doing the same. This increases pressure on the individual to conform in a much shorter space of time which makes it more difficult for everyone involved. So how should twentysomethings capitalise on their future? Jay explains this through another client, Emma, who was in a job, relationship and social network that she was unhappy with. This is the advice she gave her:

1)      Build your identity capital- i.e., do things that add value to you like an internship, cross country job or business startup.

2)      Take advantage of your weak ties- meaning people outside your inner circle such as friends of friends, as it can open up opportunities for relationships and your career.

3)      Knowing that you have the power to choose your family- working intentionally on your marriage or partnership beforehand so that you’re not left ‘making it work or killing time with whoever happens to be choosing you’.

In conclusion, Jay sums up her talk by the following words: ‘Thirty is not the new 20, so claim your adulthood, get some identity capital, use your weak ties, pick your family. Don’t be defined by what you didn’t know or didn’t do. You’re deciding your life right now.’

The main downside to this story can be that it can seem as though if you’re watching the video as a 30 or 40 year old and not completely happy with your life, you may feel like you’ve missed out. What she doesn’t explain or explore further is that every decade brings challenges of different sorts in life. Although early events outline your general outlook on future life, there’s no reason why you cannot re-invent yourself later, whatever your age.

Take the story of one of the commentators on an episode of BBCs Apprentice you’re fired, Josephine Lindley, who was established in her work as a journalist. In 1991, she passed her husbands’ desk and found a few pieces of chocolate under some papers.  What she ate was one of the ‘most delicious pieces of chocolate’ she had ever eaten. After learning from her husband that the dark chocolate was organic, she had a brainwave. She poured her life savings of £20,000 into a business start-up and the company Green&Blacks was born (green, because the chocolate was organic, black because of the dark colour). It is now a major worldwide supplier of organic and fairtrade chocolate and is owned by Kraft Foods.

In a more general sense, people who perhaps are dealing with difficult personal relationships or battling drugs and depression are able to still turn their lives around, even in later years.

Coming back to the main point of the talk though, there is still a potent lesson to be learned for those twentysomethings out there who feel they are lacking direction or are unhappy with the way their life is going. Take note: all is not lost! There is still a lot out there to be experienced and new career/ relationships opportunities to be seized.

To achieve great things, you need a plan and not quite enough time. -Leonard Bernstein